Sta unul pe un deal cu un boomerang in mana si cu nasul plin de sange.
Se apropie altul:
-Ce faci ma?
-Stau..
-Da ce ai in mana??
-Nu stiu
-Pai si de ce il tii?? Arunca-l
-Arunca-l tu…
Bumerangul
Incendiu in cartier
Un barbat suparat suna la pompieri ca sa raporteze un incendiu in cartier.
Operatorul il intreaba:
- Cum ajungem acolo?
Barbatul raspunde:
- Pai nu mai aveti masinile alea mari si rosii?
Fidelitate
40 years
A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it”. In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?”
The man thought for a while and said: “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: “Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
The woman was shocked, but said: “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: “Why do you have all That money in the box?” To which the man answered:
“Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”
Blondes leaving
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.
Arta negocierii
O femeie avea un amant in timp ce sotul ei era plecat la serviciu.
Intr-o zi, fiul ei de 9 ani se ascunde in sifonierul de la ea din camera. Sotul ei vine acasa pe neasteptate, asa ca ea il ascunde pe amant tot in sifonier.
aietelul spune “E intuneric aici.”
Barbatul sopteste “Da, este.”
Baiatul -”Am o minge de baseball.”
Barbatul -”Foarte bine.”
Baiatul -”Vrei s-o cumperi?”
Barbatul -”Nu, multumesc.”
Baiatul -”Tata e afara.”
Barbatul -”OK, cat costa?”
Baiatul – “$250.”
Peste o saptamana, cei doi nimeresc din nou impreuna in sifonier.
Baiatul -”E intuneric aici.”
Barbatul -”Da, este.”
Baiatul -”Am o manusa de baseball.”
Barbatul -”Cat vrei pe ea?”
Baiatul -”$750.”
Barbatul -”Fie.”
Dupa cateva zile, tatal ii spune baiatului “Ia-ti mingea si manusa si hai afara sa jucam baseball.”
Baiatul: “Nu pot. Le-am vandut.”
Tatal: “Si cu cat le-ai vandut?”
Fiul: “$1000.”
Tatal spune “Nu e frumos sa-ti jefuiesti prietenii asa. Le-ai vandut pentru mult mai mult. Te duc la biserica, trebuie sa te spovedesti”.
Se duc la biserica si tatal il pune pe baietel sa intre in confesionar si inchide usa.
Baiatul: “E intuneric aici.”
Preotul: “Iar incepi?”
Excelent umor francez
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, “Ah, young love … ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers … C’est magnifique!” He continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he gasped. “Mais … Sacre bleu! Ze woman — she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, “Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”
The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”
“Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
“Pierre, Pierre … this is Jean. I was in Gaston’s field … zere is a young couple naked aving sex,” to which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!”
“Mon dieu!” Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.”
Vorbe mari
Ce-i greu nu e sa suporti coarnele… ci so intretii pe vaca.
Daca esti in stare sa zimbesti cand ceva merge rau……. este pentru ai gasit un timpit pe care sa arunci vina.
Daca inca nai gasit persoana ideala… distreazate cu cea care o ai la indemina !!!
Nevasta e amica aceea care este mereu linga noi, sa ne ajute sa rezolvam marile probleme pe care nu leam fi avut daca n-am fi fost casatoriti.
Daca intro zi, femeia pe careo iubesti tie infidela si iti trece prin cap sa te arunci din balcon, aduti aminte ca: Doar ai coarne, boule, nu aripi.
Sexul e ca jocul de carti: daca nai o buna partenera, mai bine ai avea o mina buna
Femeile sunt ca traducerile: cele bune nus fidele, si cele fidele nus bune.
Daca intro zi simti un gol mare maninca, caci sigur tie foame.
Tipic englezesc
sir: John,adu-mi te rog o portocala.
john: Desigur, Sir…
sir: John, portocala asta pute. Adu-mi te rog alta…
john: Desigur, Sir…
sir: John, si portocala asta pute! De unde dracu’ le iei tu de put toate?!?!
john: No offence, Sir, dar cred ca ar trebui sa schimbati mana…
Ursul si melcul
Statea ursul acasa, in papuci, in fata semineului.
La un moment dat: cioc-cioc-cioc. Sa da ursul jos din fotoliu, injurand printre dinti ca trebuie sa isi deplaseze fundul.
Deschide usa, nimeni.
Se uita in dreapta, nimeni.
Se uita in stanga, nimeni.
Se uita in jos: melcul.
- Ursule, ursule, poti sa….?
Ursul, de acum nervos ca a trebuit sa se coboare din fotoliu, il ia si il arunca cat de departe poate. Trece o luna, trec doua, trec trei….. La usa ursului, iarasi se aude: cioc-cioc-cioc.
Deschide ursul usa, la care melcul:
- Auzi ba, ce a fost cu faza de adineauri?!!